Blog Update: Why I Suck At This (And That’s Okay)

Hello everyone! I know at least a few of you read my blog regularly, so I felt it was important to be transparent with where I’m at.

To be honest, I’m struggling with this blog. I’m doing well in other areas of my life, but I’ve hit a re-evaluation period now that we’re heading toward the end of the year.

TL;DR I started grad school this year, and it’s taken all my time. I cannot promise any consistency anymore and will likely write when I want to. I will also let the blog default to http://www.lifeoflieu.wordpress.com at the beginning of 2023, so expect that change soon. The resources will still be here. I don’t intend to take the site down.

Motivation and Time

I love this blog. It has become part of my identity over this last year because it represents a lot of my current theories and sums up support resources. It makes it easier to help people because I can link articles. It’s given me a more flush outlet to express myself. I’m glad that I made this.

But who could have guessed that a blog about my mental health would ultimately be affected by my mental health?

I’ve wanted to create post consistency, but I’ve had the struggle of every blog creator. I don’t have the energy or ideas to create content every week. That makes posting content every week impossible. On top of that, when the demands of life are too great, this is one of the first things I drop. I want to dedicate time and often spend countless hours creating well-researched articles.

I take pride in what I post here. I’ll have around 30 articles on this blog by the end of the year. That’s no small feat. I have to prioritize other things right now, so my efforts moving forward will be limited.

Audience

It turns out that blogs don’t work like Tik Tok. They’re much more difficult. One popular post doesn’t translate to a significantly increased following. It certainly helps, but on Tik Tok, that’s where most of my audience came from.

I started this platform to get away from Tik Tok. Creating content on Tik Tok is not good for me, but it seems it’s the only way I get traffic here. I have much more to offer here than on Tik Tok. I get the nuance, direct links to resources, and more thoughtful engagement.

I have a lot of respect for my friends that have created content and succeeded. I also commiserate with my many friends who are like me that have tried to build a platform but are continuing to struggle to build an audience.

Intersectionality

Another thing I’m struggling with is that I’m 22. I know a lot of my opinions are likely wrong. I know I’ll change my mind and have to eat my words later. My professional career may be impacted by being too open with my opinions.

I have blind spots I don’t know about. I try my best to stay informed and research topics, but I know I’m missing crucial aspects that I’m unaware of.

I don’t want to be just another mental health advocate that inadvertently causes harm with my platform. I’ve seen damage where advocates have lacked intersectionality and spoken for communities they don’t understand. When listening to voices harmed by other (much larger) advocates, I worry about how my platform may affect others.

I haven’t been accused of anything specifically, but I hope others feel comfortable discussing where I may be overstepping. I try to only speak from my experience where possible, but sometimes that comes off as recommendations for others.

The Future

So, what does this mean for the future of my platform?

I posted a Tik Tok about how they’re threatening to take down my account. I don’t think it will get taken down for now, but it’s always an underlying threat with that platform. If it ever does, I know I won’t re-join.

I plan on leaving this blog up. It will default to lifeoflieu.wordpress.com.

I really appreciate everyone that follows me. I have made several friends through my platform, and many have told me they have been helped. I love that I was able to help even one person.

It’s interesting how much a task changes when it becomes an obligation over a passion. So far, this blog has become an obligation that I cannot keep up at the pace I’ve set. My focus moving forward will be to create content as I want, when I want, without any schedule. I anticipate this may kill my audience, but I don’t have the spoons to be an “influencer.”

I know this isn’t a typical blog post, but I appreciate it if you’re interested in where I’m going from here. I’ll try to keep everyone updated. I appreciate you giving me your time and your support.

Why I’m Moving Platforms – A Confession of A Burned Out Advocate

I never intended my Tik Tok to be a route for advocacy. It was a place where people related to my darkest parts for the first time. A place to share trauma that most people don’t want to hear.


I don’t regret that it launched my advocacy platform. I couldn’t have predicted a job I had taken to help other people, autistic children, would turn into such a traumatic and life-changing experience. My job as an ABA therapist was a relatively short blip in my life, and yet it made such a significant impact on who I discovered myself to be.

I suppose finding out you’re autistic from ABA, an industry that views your existence as inherently wrong is just about the worst way you can find out. The guilt I felt at leaving helpless children at the hands of people who saw them as manipulative, dysfunctional, and in need of saving was nearly unbearable. I started posting on Tik Tok about it as a means of gaining sanity. A touch of reality when I was being gaslit by my coworkers and boss. Being fired was just about the best thing the clinic could have done for me.


Motivated By Spite

My goal was to reach 10K. That was the number my father had at the height of his relative “fame,” which he weaponized against me growing up. It was a spite-motivated goal and one I craved desperately to reach. But when I achieved it with a controversial video, I was wracked with anxiety I hadn’t felt since starting the account.

I had thousands of people telling me I was wrong, spewing the worst kind of hate towards me, and arguing with each other. I became obsessed with managing the comment section, refreshing the page repeatedly to see dozens of comments pouring in.

My victory was hollow. I had reached my goal, but what was the point? It marked a year-long project that devolved the second half a million people saw my video. I started noticing other activists’ efforts, posts of friends and mutuals that went viral. The comments were filled with all sorts of projections, removing nuance and accusing creators despite their content being less than a minute long.

While it isn’t just Tik Tok, it seems especially bad because of the level of audience that you can reach and the length of videos. Being seen by more people isn’t necessarily a good thing. I grew bitter as I got comments on my videos critiquing minutiae, putting words in my mouth, and insulting me. It made me realize my efforts required a much more nuanced approach than Tik Tok.


Welcome to Life of Lieu

Advocacy is exhausting, even if it’s behind a keyboard. It’s a ton of emotional labor to explain the same things over and over to the same questions/arguments. I don’t pretend to have it harder than most activists. I haven’t reached a platform where I’ve experienced a fraction of some of the abuse I’ve seen. I am also not out in the field advocating in harsh conditions against cruel people. But, I’m still tired.

I created this blog because I need a place to flesh out my ideas. I can’t articulate what I need in only 150 characters. I hate talking on video. And writing has always been the way I communicate best.

This blog will be a mix of my thoughts/feelings/experiences on mental health topics I feel are essential to address. Like Tik Tok, I imagine it will take on a life of its own. Welcome to Life of Lieu.

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